Entry: I have fallen into Shadow Sep 14, 2005

Strange, the things that keep man alive. My mothers love is the only thing that keeps me in this incorrigible place. But I am grateful oh so  grateful for her. Despite everything, I have conquered my fear and my despair. For she deserves better. Far better than anything I could ever possibly hope to give her. And all I have to sell are my words. But I will make myself heard. 

How great a debt I owe to my mother who has kept me alive with great pain. And I will gladly lay down all the joys I have in this life in payment of that debt. My will from this point on will not halt or falter. I owe her everything that she deserves and so much more. And it is my great wish that I can fulfill all of her greatest dreams. I enjoy every moment I have with her because she is all I have. One joy in an otherwise bleak existence. But a small part of me will rejoice when she finally goes to her resting place. That may sound cruel and it is selfish. Please bear with me on this as I explain. When she dies I will fall apart. Everything will fall apart. I will be inconsolable with grief and I will know pain of which I have yet to feel on this earth. But it is the last pain. For after a brief period of self destruction the heavy weight of my destiny will be lifted from me. And I will breathe a sigh of relief. And then I will begin my last journey to the sea. I will be released from all bonds and oaths of fellowship. My time will come to an end.

These are dark words spoken by one so infuriated by his own existence that he cannot bear to look in a mirror. No one could possibly hate themselves so much as I do. But self loathing is par for the course with the darkside. But I have controlled my anger, my fear and my hate. These are all good things. But I cannot change the fact that I am fearful and that I hate them. These sheep, these poor worthless sheep. I hate them all. And even though I am not a violent person, I do not mourn their slaughter. I am inhumane.

With the dark side comes great confusion. I wonder if the man is truly evil or whether the world is merely a reflection of my own corruption. Are the Republicans some sick joke spawned from my devious mind? Am I some existential cause of all suffering in the world. For I look at Africa and the other dark places of the world. I see the suffering of starvation, pestilences, and war. And I pity them for they have known suffering on a level I can not imagine. These people must be so strong to endure what I cannot. And what does my fellow man do about these great ills. Absolutely nothing. I live in the greatest nation ever to exist on the face of this earth. We have the power to correct and mend all the problems and evils of this world. But do we do anything about it? No we continue to slave for nothing. We slave for jet skis and hum vees. My fellow man is as weak as I am. A virus on this world destroying everything for its own glory. “Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the Earth” I certainly hope so for they deserve it.

I remain a good person. I do my best not to harm any living thing. For all might be lost but I still have my mother. One of my professors this week said that “One who lacks hope lacks the ability to act appropriately.” Well I will not give up the slight hope I have of mending the ills I have put upon this world. All my anger is focused into my writing. For even though the dark side will always play a part in my destiny. I long for the days when I hold words like Family, Fellowship, and Love in high esteem. Unfortunately the first two are spread far and thin. And as for Love I am not sure I even believe in it anymore. I have never been anything more than a whore. Love is the thing that is only found in fairy tales. But it matters not. Love is not necessary. It is irrelevant just as 95% of all the people who walk this earth are irrelevant. I no longer search for acceptance I cannot have. That is what I do not understand. I am ever a nice, kind person. To be my friend all you would have to do is extend your hand. But no hands are extended and soon I fear that I would just throw them back in their faces. But I do not grieve. To be a writer is a solitary profession. If I am fortunate my words will long outlast this feeble body.

I miss the old naivety of my former self. For even though the shroud of the darkside has fallen, the veil that hides the truth has been lifted. I see everything for what it is. I have come to realizations that I should have long ago. But I know that the only thing that matters now is my words. My past is irrelevant. For the advantage of the darkside is to know both sides. I still have all my Jedi training weak though it may be. I still do my best to focus on the living force but even more so I struggle to cloak myself from sight. If they don't see me they cannot harm me. Detachment has become my greatest ally. I don't react when men mock me or girls cower in fear or laugh at my ugliness. Because it is irrelevant. All that is relevant is my task. But I do wish that I was not so disillusioned and disenchanted. But becoming jaded is just a reality of life. When you realize how corrupted everything in your life has become it is impossible to lead a jovial existence. But I can make it back someday. Unfortunately until then I must dwell in darkness and in doubt.

I wish that I were great and powerful like the mighty Achilles. But alas I am not. But there is one similarity that I am blessed to share with that mighty warrior. We are both blessed to live a short life. And for me the end cannot come too soon. And I have returned to the Gym to turn myself into the Giant hulking brute I once was. It will be a slow process. But I fear that I might have to battle frat boys or some other ill begotten foe before I leave this place. God blessed me to have a giant stature and soon I will be impressive once more.

I wish that everyone could be as cool as you bloggers. For some reason people are far less kind in real life than on the net. Bloggers are a better crop of people I guess. This blog has become my only solace and all of you are my dearest friends. Without you, I would surely go insane. Blogs do help the solitary writer maintain a small shred of human contact. You all are the reason I have not turned into a major asshole in real life. I know that I can at least have good friends here on blogdrive.

And the fun and games continue. My classes are strange. Yesterday our discussion led us to contemplate whether or not God has a penis. The teacher thought this to be quite a funny little joke but I was flabbergasted. All of the conservatives in this class are offended of which I would normally rejoice. But this guy is offensive to everyone. On a good note I was virtually silent in my discussion class. I think that if I remain so I will not come across looking like a total fool.

I saw a very funny t-shirt today as I was walking. There was this girl with a very nice rack walking by so naturally I was already prone to staring. But then I did something rare. I read what it said on her t-shirt. It said. “Not everything is flat in Kansas.” I was like Got that right You go girl. Jiggle on Jiggle on.

Furthermore I must apologize about the darkness of the previous two posts but they will make great monologues for my book (the first one anyways). Now that I am comfortable with being alone and have rejected my past I will be returning to my daily observations and whatnot. Sorry there haven't been any movie reviews but I have not seen any opportunities to watch movies. This is going to be an exciting semester. The apocalypse I spoke of below has not arrived yet and we are beginning to wonder if it is going to arrive at all. If it does not arrive however I am getting my butt to church in a hurry and spending a couple hours thanking God for loving me so much. God sure works in mysterious ways and I am glad. For without God I would have nothing. 


October 2, 2006   11:00 PM PDT
I was googeling for dragon pictures and it brought me to your page. I am in awe and still blown away by your words. It was very well thought out and constructed in such a meaningful way. The way you expressed your emotions about your Mother, is an emotion I have never read in a Man's BLOG. Thank you for sharing that side of you.

Leave a Comment:


Homepage (optional)